it’s going to be a journey.

one of my earliest memories is of a dream i had when i was little. maybe around 4 or 5 years old.  this dream has pretty much been my mind’s most comfortable and safe place to go anytime i’m scared or uncertain, or even if I just want to feel really warm.  it quite often brings me to tears because it is probably one of my most precious possessions. i have never thought of a dream as a possession until this moment, but i think it is valid.  it probably means nothing to anyone else, but it’s very much a part of me. 

in my dream, i was at the old baseball field in my hometown, where i used to spend a lot of time watching my brothers play little league.  i was with tons of kids playing around outside the fence by home plate like we always did during games, and lo and behold, jesus walked up to the field.  oh, you know, the norm. within seconds, all of the kids realized who he was and rushed up to him stampede-style. as he sat down right behind home plate, two single file lines of kids formed, one from his right and one from his left. well, i guess i was a little slow to catch on to what the excitement was about, so i ended up at the very back of the line on his left.  i remember feeling so crushed and jealous of the little brats sitting right next to him and just wondering how i’d ever get his attention with so many kids in between us.  it ends up i didn’t have to do a single thing, though, because the ice cream man came to my rescue. yep, the ice cream man. he drove by the field, music blaring, enticing those kids like sirens to his frosty treats, and all of a sudden they were all gone. every last kid. it was just jesus and me, and i was just tickled to death.  i scooted from what felt like miles away across the empty space between us. i scooted right up to his side and snuggled him, thinking about how dumb those kids were for leaving jesus for some stupid ice cream.

don’t get me wrong. i love ice cream. i ate some tonight, actually. but in light of him, ice cream was just not appealing in the least.

of course, when i was little, i didn’t analyze the dream so much.  but now, since i remember it so vividly, i figure there’s a reason why it was significant enough to remember. it sounds like a silly little kid dream in ways, but to me, the simple principles it portrays are still teaching me and reminding me of who i was created to be.  that dream is just absolute, gut-feeling assurance that he has called me out from early on and desires my heart to adore the eternal. not because i did one single thing to be good enough to sit next to him…simply because by his mercy and his choosing, i’m his.

i need to remind myself to stop chasing ice cream trucks and remember that the rest found by his side satisfies every fiber of my being. afterall, it’s the very place i was created to sit.

once again, i haven’t written in decades after promising myself that i would write more often. i will now re-word my promise into saying that i will write whenever i feel like it. that way, i have a pretty good chance of keeping it. that’s the good part about making promises to yourself. you can change them up and no one can even care. booyah.

my friend recently got a book called 14,000 things to be happy about. it is exactly what it sounds like and it is precious. of course, i can’t even remember 1 of those 14,000 at this very moment, but i loved the concept. the things on the list were the tiniest little details of life that are just worth thinking about and enjoying. i would like to attempt to make a similar list, much inferior in number to the aforementioned book.

*skirts with pockets
*spellcheck and dictionary.com 
*crushed ice
*running my hand underneath the bubbles in a bubble bath
*the kind of grass with no stickers aka cartwheel grass
*smile lines 
*doing double takes for real and not pretend
*hugging the bible to your chest and feeling so safe with what it says
*trying to sync a movie with someone who is somewhere else to feel like you’re watching it together
*flav-r-ice…you know what i’m talkin’ ’bout
*the blue of the sky through the green of the leaves
*bird nests in the letters on walmart
*crying because you care so much about what happens to someone
*remembering a memory for the first time since it was made
*hiking sticks that are really just branches
*folding back the cover on paperbacks…even if it’s ‘bad for the spine’
*rocking chairs
*the big 64 pack of crayola, fully equipped with the crayon sharpener
*feeling like you know the people in your books and missing them when it’s over
*the wine cup flowers that people say are “just weeds”
*going to baseball games when the only people you really care to see are sitting right next to you
*thinking a painting, song, or poem is so deep and beautiful but having no clue what it means
*guessing the relationship between odd groups of people
*when you walk outside and the weather makes you want to jump 10 feet in the air and play freeze tag
*having a favorite number for no good reason but feeling happy when it turns up
*picking out one person in a crowd and staring at them so they’re somehow special 
*songs that force you to break out into unplanned, uninhibited dance - alone or with company
*realizing that you’re in a hurry for no good reason, so you slow down and savor
*the sucky-up tubes at the bank (and wondering how they turn corners?)
*making friends with little kids in restaurants without ever saying a word to them
*pushing buttons and flipping switches when you don’t have any clue what the result will be
*realizing how cool swimming is and how weird swimming pools are and making up synchronized swimming routines
*finding something you never knew you lost and then feeling like you got new stuff
*watching the spanish channel in hopes that it will make you fluent
*seeing a place on tv that you’ve been and feeling kinda famous when you tell everyone in the room that you “stood right there!”
*thinking about how God invented things like photosynthesis and pregnancy and giraffes and fire
*smelling a smell that 100% brings you back to a certain time of your life 
*finding out that someone thinks/does something that you never thought anyone else thought/did 
*blanket forts
*the fact that people will master anything from guitar hero to cup stacking to jumping over cars
*being okay with being lost because the people you’re with are quite enough 
*writing in the fog of the shower door
*lots of kinds of handwriting and pen colors on one page
*the feeling of relief after you do something really difficult and knowing that you learned heaps from it 
*knowing someone really well, down to their quirkiest quirks, and having them know yours too 
*playing along with who wants to be a millionaire, wheel of fortune, and deal or no deal, and knowing you’d for sure win the jackpot if they’d just give you a chance 

okay, so mine kept getting longer and more detailed as my brain began to run away with feelings it loves to feel. at first, my mind was absolutely blank, and i got scared that i hated everything. then i got very excited. not at all how their list was, but i am not them. i could go on, but it could get ridiculous.

God didn’t have to make the world so packed with mysteries to discover and beauty to see and things that make our heart beat a little faster just at the thought. i am disgusted when i realize i’ve gone awhile with my eyes glazed over to the zillions of happy things that surround me. 

i don’t feel like i know much, but i have learned a few things. life is much more good than bad, and it’s quite worth living fully. also, i am fairly certain that love or lack thereof drives pretty much everything. i think that is the most beautiful thing i can think of.

God is personal and rich in love and mercy, but he also placed the stars in the big dipper. and the little dipper. and also he maybe thought hiccups were a funny thing to happen and that dreams were a neat way to make us realize the extent of our imaginations. 

i am thankful for whatever time i have left to keep discovering the depth of his creativity. 

alright. i really need to think of more excuses to write. i think i wait for moments where i have such a huge thought in my head that i can’t be relieved until i write it somewhere..but it looks like those don’t come frequently enough! i miss out on writing down the smaller ‘aha!’s my brain experiences frequently that equally contribute to my life. also, maybe some that aren’t so much ‘aha’ as they are ‘haha’…to my head anyway. so…with that said. maybe i’ll start writing more than never.

 i think the people that live above me are inventors. or i like to imagine that they are. i constantly hear the bumping and banging of their experiments and the machines they have going up there. i mean, they really never stop. i really have to imagine that so i don’t go crazy at 4 in the morning when they’re doing their thing, and doing it with gusto for all to hear. if i pretend that they’re inventors, i feel a twinge of guilt when i bang (sweetly) on the ceiling, praying i haven’t interrupted the invention of wonka-vision in real life or something important like that. oh, and also, i exaggerate.

ok, new subject. the fickle weather of texas has got my mind wheels turning lately. the weather’s been drastically different pretty much every day here lately. and we never fail to make comments like, “wish that weather’d make up its mind!” or “geez! just yesterday it was sunny! how could it be rainy one stinkin’ day later!?!” so i started to thinking about how i hardly ever think about the fact that the weather going on above my head developed somewhere, moved over my head, and is on its way somewhere else. all i think about is that it’s over my head and whether or not i approve of its precipitation or lack thereof. as if the sky that’s over my head is the only sky that exists and its weather has no origin or deeper purpose outside of that moment.  it’s kinda like how babies view the world. all that exists to them is right in front of their eyes. if you aren’t mom or dad, you don’t exist to them unless you’re directly in their vision.

 i don’t know that anyone will follow that but me, but that’s okay. i just think that how i/maybe we? see weather is how we view so many other aspects of life. other people, for example. ever pass by someone and cheerfully, maybe excitedly greet them, only to get a much less enthusiastic response? and then walk off thinking, “well geez! what’s their problem? what did i do wrong? they must not really like me all that much.” i know that’s usually my first reaction. all i saw was about 3 seconds of that person’s day and maybe week, and i would assume that the reason for their actions is somehow ME? not even considering the fact that their lives actually continue when they aren’t in my direct line of vision and maybe something horrible happened that day and so seeing me isn’t the focus or the highlight of their day most likely?? 

i don’t usually have all of those thoughts consciously, but it seems that they must exist if i get offended by someone else’s actions in a moment in time, a moment that i have such limited knowledge of and know only one, biased perspective - my own. it’s just selfishness is all. another way we have this all-that-exists-is-directly-in-front-of-me-and-maybe-my-peripheral view of the world is in the situations God allows us to enter into. good or bad. we rarely consider that maybe it is really just a part of something in development and is going to turn into something else eventually.  all we see is the sun or the rain above our head, and go crazy with an in-the-moment emotion. i’m not saying it’s bad to be excited and bask in a happy and seemingly perfect day. maybe i am just talking about the rainy days. but there is probably something to knowing that a really good day is also not going to last forever, and therefore, we should be all the more thankful for it.

so i guess all i’m saying is that i want to stop making selfish assumptions. about the weather, people, situations - everything. i want to consider that the world is not constantly thinking about me and what i do. i want to know that the seasons God brings me through are for development and part of a larger process of making me like him. i also want to know that all flesh is grass, and my grassy days will end.

His glory is far more important than the sun or the rain over my head.

today was a beautiful day. outside was lovely, and inside my heart, peace showed back up after a bit of a vacation. its appearance today was greatly appreciated and gave my soul the rest it has been longing for. 

this afternoon, i spent several hours at the lake with the creator of the universe. i have no idea why he desires to meet me, but i am filled with gratitude that he does, especially on this particular occasion. it was not as though i came upon world-changing inspiration and realizations, but i was reassured of my purpose as his creation, and i was able to just be with Jesus. i went from feeling so very small in the whole scheme of time and life to feeling so vital and important to his heart - both of which are accurate, i believe.

i did get the chance to think on some new things and expand on some thinking that hadn’t gotten to completely play itself out yet.  as i lay on a picnic table beneath the canopy of a tree, the sun’s rays in my left peripheral, and the water of the lake on my right, i felt joined with creation more closely than i have felt in a long while.  i could see nothing man-made…. unless i looked a little too far and saw the fence on my right and that parking lot on my left. irrelevant. that sounds new-agey and possibly tree-huggery, but…not quite where i’m going. my thoughts were more like this.

everything under the sun is futile. everything strives and competes to no avail. everything is in survival mode, and this is how it is to be.

the planet earth videos and my mom’s wonderfully inquisitive brain actually initiated this subject in my own mind. all creation has been subjected to futility, all resulting from the fall and sin of man.  since that moment, all creation has been longing for the return of the savior, when it will find the completion for which it was intended on the day of creation.  it must groan, shift, compete, adapt, and even kill to survive — all in futility. the tree bursts out of its seed, emerges out of the ground, grows heavenward, reaching branches and growing leaves all the while…all an act of worship, and only to eventually whither and die. animals must hunt and kill, sometimes even members of their own kind. the earth shakes. the sky brews violently, forming hurricanes. the oceans heave. as humans, we must face undesirable, less-than-utopia, sometimes heart and soul-wrenching struggles. it’s everywhere. my mom found confirmation in these words from romans chapter 8.

‘…the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. for the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.
for we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. and not only the creation, but we ourselves…groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.”

i felt it as i followed my hankering to swing on a nearby playground. each time i swung ‘forth’ in my back and forth motion, i longed to just keep on going up. up, up, and up until i could just fly away and embrace the warmth of the sun and touch the fluffiness of the clouds. up and up until i could see look my Jesus literally in the face and fall into him. i longed for it. but each time, gravity pulled me back down, only to try once more on the next time up. it was futile. no matter how much i longed, my desire was left unsatisfied.  i felt so near to Jesus, yet unable to fully grasp him where he was.

this could be taken as a fairly negative post, but don’t worry. it got much better.  i returned to my reclining position on the cool surface of the picnic table, and i cranked up the ol’ ipod. i began to listen to the song ‘i miss you’ by shane&shane. i was close to changing it, because i didn’t feel that to be where i was, as i was feeling the nearness of Christ in that moment.  i stopped, though, as i realized something.

i do miss him. i will forever miss him until i can completely, literally, physically be where he is.

the deepest part of my soul knows its true dwelling place, and it will miss that perfection until it is here in full….either in my death or in Christ’s returning.  until then, i can swing as high and as hard as i can upward, feeling the warmth and nearness of Christ on my face, but my humanity will inevitably send me back down, left to deeply miss him once again.

okay, still might sound negative. but, i didn’t leave feeling that way. i left feeling so grateful that i have such a beautiful savior to miss. and this feeling of absence is one thing that is not futile. if it provokes me to pursue the eternal and the worthwhile - then i am content to miss him. not a contentment that brings complacency, but one that drives me to be the nearest i can attain in this mortal body. i am content to struggle, because struggle produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope - and hope will not put us to shame. (rom. 5) i know that my missing will one day be extinguished completely, as my soul knows it will one day return to its home.

so, there was my day. i was quite lost in thought for awhile. who knows when that man in the red truck drove up, and who knows what he was thinking as i was singing “amazing grace, my chains are gone” at the top of my lungs (in my less-than-beautiful singing voice) with my hands reaching toward the branches of a tree..lying on a picnic table? probably a strange sight. i am alright with that.

okay, i have decided that what i want to be is an apple pie fume.

fume is possibly not the best word for the scent of an apple pie. and apple pie is not my personal favorite, but it has classic imagery attached, so go with me on this one.

picture this scene you may have seen in an illustrated book somewhere, beginning with a quaint, country kitchen on a pleasant summer evening. the low rays of the evening sun are seeping in through the single window over the sink and illuminating the dust floating in the air in its beam. a tire swing and playing children are visible through the window. a warm apple pie sits in the windowsill with lines of heat and sweet aroma floating above it. the “fumes” make their way through the open window and reach the noses of the children playing outside, enticing them into the house to partake of the pie’s crispy deliciousness.

that’s who i want to be for my savior. i want to quietly but strongly entice people to partake of his goodness by putting out an aroma directly from the source. the scent itself exists only because of the pie and for the purpose of alerting the senses of the pie’s existence. who wants to try a pie if it has a not-so-pleasant scent? if i claim to know jesus, my life should say something about him and draw others to desiring him as well.

it sounds silly, maybe, to compare the lord to a pie and myself to a swirly line rising from it - but for me, it paints a picture of who i am aiming to be…so, it works.

so, i was thinking on my status as an aroma drawing others to my creator, and realizing that currently, i am doing a pretty poor job of it. i seriously forget that i am not the apple pie! okay, seriously - enough of that analogy.

feeling pretty discouraged at my inadequacy, my jesus brought his perfect comfort and encouragement as he never fails to do. an e-mail from a friend led me to read psalm 46 today, and the second half of verse 10 was the part that spoke to my heart today:

“i will be exalted among the nations,
i will be exalted in the earth!”

it doesn’t say he’ll be exalted IF i do a good enough job of portraying to the world his goodness. that’s giving myself way too much credit. there are zero stipulations and no question as to whether or not he will be exalted. he WILL be exalted. amen! amen that it has absolutely nothing to do with my fickle, flighty self. amen that he even allows so unworthy a candidate a chance to emit his sweet, sweet aroma.

amen that when we fail to to express his goodness to the world, nature takes up the slack and sings the only song it knows. amen that the wind can whisper the lord’s goodness to a buddhist monk. amen that the ridiculous colors of sunset can take away the breath of a new york businessman and bring him to his knees - crying out to his creator for something more.

he is so big. i can’t believe how small i make him every single day of my life.

just a sweet reminder to my heart today.

well, here we go. the pen (er, key), has made its first mark upon this …vast…blankness. no turning back now! it’s funny, really. that a white space on a computer screen could turn into…well, anything i feel like turning it into. powerful’s how i’m currently feeling. let’s hope it doesn’t go to my head and that it goes to good use.

writing’s just plain powerful - and i don’t do enough of it. so, maybe that’s why i’m doing this.

i’ve started (re-started, actually) to read the book 1984. a society where freedom and speech and expression are not concepts, as the government monitors every move the people make through a TV screen placed in every household. the main character finds a way, though, to hide himself from the screen so that he may write. to warn future generations of his plight. to spill out the thoughts he has that he cannot afford to even express upon his face. to relieve the pressure upon his mind, filled with questions and thoughts that aren’t allowed. to force the pen and paper to carry a piece of his load.

paper is always ready and willing to hold ideas that burden our minds but are too difficult to speak.

let’s face it. both our minds and our mouths need a break sometimes. too much of either can get us into trouble, so i think paper is obliged to mediate when we find ourselves too heavy on either end of the mind/mouth spectrum.

i will spare you the other examples flying around in my brain about roles of writers in stories and in history. just know they seem to always save the day/world, and they’re my heroes.
okay, well just one quick one. writers in the dark ages who saved massive amounts of knowledge from completely disappearing from that part of the earth by hand-copying pages upon pages of words all day long?!? yeah, incredible. okay - got it out. thank you.

it’s an opportunity that we have that many don’t or historically haven’t, and the more i think about it, the sillier (more silly?) i feel for not taking it. it’s not about being “talented” or “not-so-talented” at writing. writing stimulates and stretches the mind. the avenue of language was originally spoken only - so to express ideas in a written manner forces us to think a bit more than we generally would. dangerous! and beautiful.

so basically, this blog is a persuasive essay to myself. to convince myself to examine my thoughts more deeply and, (scary part!) take the risk that others just might stumble upon this spill of my brain that i didn’t even plan in the slightest.

let’s see if it works.