ice cream man.

one of my earliest memories is of a dream i had when i was little. maybe around 4 or 5 years old.  this dream has pretty much been my mind’s most comfortable and safe place to go anytime i’m scared or uncertain, or even if I just want to feel really warm.  it quite often brings me to tears because it is probably one of my most precious possessions. i have never thought of a dream as a possession until this moment, but i think it is valid.  it probably means nothing to anyone else, but it’s very much a part of me. 

 

in my dream, i was at the old baseball field in my hometown, where i used to spend a lot of time watching my brothers play little league.  i was with tons of kids playing around outside the fence by home plate like we always did during games, and lo and behold, jesus walked up to the field.  oh, you know, the norm. within seconds, all of the kids realized who he was and rushed up to him stampede-style. as he sat down right behind home plate, two single file lines of kids formed, one from his right and one from his left. well, i guess i was a little slow to catch on to what the excitement was about, so i ended up at the very back of the line on his left.  i remember feeling so crushed and jealous of the little brats sitting right next to him and just wondering how i’d ever get his attention with so many kids in between us.  it ends up i didn’t have to do a single thing, though, because the ice cream man came to my rescue. yep, the ice cream man. he drove by the field, music blaring, enticing those kids like sirens to his frosty treats, and all of a sudden they were all gone. every last kid. it was just jesus and me, and i was just tickled to death.  i scooted from what felt like miles away across the empty space between us. i scooted right up to his side and snuggled him, thinking about how dumb those kids were for leaving jesus for some stupid ice cream.

 

don’t get me wrong. i love ice cream. i ate some tonight, actually. but in light of him, ice cream was just not appealing in the least.

 

of course, when i was little, i didn’t analyze the dream so much.  but now, since i remember it so vividly, i figure there’s a reason why it was significant enough to remember. it sounds like a silly little kid dream in ways, but to me, the simple principles it portrays are still teaching me and reminding me of who i was created to be.  that dream is just absolute, gut-feeling assurance that he has called me out from early on and desires my heart to adore the eternal. not because i did one single thing to be good enough to sit next to him…simply because by his mercy and his choosing, i’m his.

 

i need to remind myself to stop chasing ice cream trucks and remember that the rest found by his side satisfies every fiber of my being. afterall, it’s the very place i was created to sit.

happy list.

once again, i haven’t written in decades after promising myself that i would write more often. i will now re-word my promise into saying that i will write whenever i feel like it. that way, i have a pretty good chance of keeping it. that’s the good part about making promises to yourself. you can change them up and no one can even care. booyah.

my friend recently got a book called 14,000 things to be happy about. it is exactly what it sounds like and it is precious. of course, i can’t even remember 1 of those 14,000 at this very moment, but i loved the concept. the things on the list were the tiniest little details of life that are just worth thinking about and enjoying. i would like to attempt to make a similar list, much inferior in number to the aforementioned book.

*skirts with pockets
*spellcheck and dictionary.com 
*crushed ice
*running my hand underneath the bubbles in a bubble bath
*the kind of grass with no stickers aka cartwheel grass
*smile lines 
*doing double takes for real and not pretend
*hugging the bible to your chest and feeling so safe with what it says
*trying to sync a movie with someone who is somewhere else to feel like you’re watching it together
*flav-r-ice…you know what i’m talkin’ ’bout
*the blue of the sky through the green of the leaves
*bird nests in the letters on walmart
*crying because you care so much about what happens to someone
*remembering a memory for the first time since it was made
*hiking sticks that are really just branches
*folding back the cover on paperbacks…even if it’s ‘bad for the spine’
*rocking chairs
*the big 64 pack of crayola, fully equipped with the crayon sharpener
*feeling like you know the people in your books and missing them when it’s over
*the wine cup flowers that people say are “just weeds”
*going to baseball games when the only people you really care to see are sitting right next to you
*thinking a painting, song, or poem is so deep and beautiful but having no clue what it means
*guessing the relationship between odd groups of people
*when you walk outside and the weather makes you want to jump 10 feet in the air and play freeze tag
*having a favorite number for no good reason but feeling happy when it turns up
*picking out one person in a crowd and staring at them so they’re somehow special 
*songs that force you to break out into unplanned, uninhibited dance – alone or with company
*realizing that you’re in a hurry for no good reason, so you slow down and savor
*the sucky-up tubes at the bank (and wondering how they turn corners?)
*making friends with little kids in restaurants without ever saying a word to them
*pushing buttons and flipping switches when you don’t have any clue what the result will be
*realizing how cool swimming is and how weird swimming pools are and making up synchronized swimming routines
*finding something you never knew you lost and then feeling like you got new stuff
*watching the spanish channel in hopes that it will make you fluent
*seeing a place on tv that you’ve been and feeling kinda famous when you tell everyone in the room that you “stood right there!”
*thinking about how God invented things like photosynthesis and pregnancy and giraffes and fire
*smelling a smell that 100% brings you back to a certain time of your life 
*finding out that someone thinks/does something that you never thought anyone else thought/did 
*blanket forts
*the fact that people will master anything from guitar hero to cup stacking to jumping over cars
*being okay with being lost because the people you’re with are quite enough 
*writing in the fog of the shower door
*lots of kinds of handwriting and pen colors on one page
*the feeling of relief after you do something really difficult and knowing that you learned heaps from it 
*knowing someone really well, down to their quirkiest quirks, and having them know yours too 
*playing along with who wants to be a millionaire, wheel of fortune, and deal or no deal, and knowing you’d for sure win the jackpot if they’d just give you a chance 

okay, so mine kept getting longer and more detailed as my brain began to run away with feelings it loves to feel. at first, my mind was absolutely blank, and i got scared that i hated everything. then i got very excited. not at all how their list was, but i am not them. i could go on, but it could get ridiculous.

God didn’t have to make the world so packed with mysteries to discover and beauty to see and things that make our heart beat a little faster just at the thought. i am disgusted when i realize i’ve gone awhile with my eyes glazed over to the zillions of happy things that surround me. 

i don’t feel like i know much, but i have learned a few things. life is much more good than bad, and it’s quite worth living fully. also, i am fairly certain that love or lack thereof drives pretty much everything. i think that is the most beautiful thing i can think of.

God is personal and rich in love and mercy, but he also placed the stars in the big dipper. and the little dipper. and also he maybe thought hiccups were a funny thing to happen and that dreams were a neat way to make us realize the extent of our imaginations. 

i am thankful for whatever time i have left to keep discovering the depth of his creativity.