put me in.

lately, i haven’t seen much playing time.  i’ve been sitting the bench, watching the action, quite disconnected from what’s actually taking place. the thing is, though, i put myself here.  i walked off of the court, and i plopped down onto this chair voluntarily.

i expected the chair to have more cushion.

i remember before the game. this summer. august.

i am so eager.  i watch as the coach draws up the plays on the whiteboard, hanging on his every word, muscles tense, ready to put the x’s and dotted lines into action.  ready to make representation into reality.

the buzzer sounds, and i’m suddenly very confused.  this court doesn’t look like the one i saw back in the locker room, drawn with a squeaky blue expo marker.  but i should know; i just learned the play, didn’t i? in my confusion, the game goes on.

the ball is suddenly in my hands, a foreign object.  i hold it away from my body, unprotected; the other team swiftly grabs it. shoot, score. my head falls. i hear the coach saying something, but my ears are ringing, the crowd is hollering.  i can’t make out the words.

but, okay, that was just one time. just a mistake. i’ll get it together here in a minute.  the ball hits me in the head.  i recover it, though, and somehow, the ball finds its way through the hoop.  except it wasn’t ours.

i’m devastated. i thought i knew how to do this. i run off of the court as fast as i can; i want to hide from the crowd and never have to feel so confused and lost again.

most of all, oh most of all — i don’t want to look at my coach.  i could not bear to see confirmed on his face what i know to be true: i’m just not cut out for this game.

i bury my head in my towel, soaked by now with sweat and tears.

i feel a hand on my shoulder.  i slowly slip my towel off of my head and peek up into the eyes of my coach.  i’m startled deeply that there is not a trace of disappointment in his eyes. they are kind. they always have been, but today, surely today he has reason to be upset. instead, i hear him say:

‘ mel, hey, you ready? we need you out there. look — no subs. you were so eager before, you forgot to hear my voice. i am talking you through every play. listen. pick my voice out above the crowd. and really, truly — i just love watching you play. ‘

suddenly, i remember my love for the game.

except, it’s no game at all, really.

oh, i love Him so much.