i miss you.

today was a beautiful day. outside was lovely, and inside my heart, peace showed back up after a bit of a vacation. its appearance today was greatly appreciated and gave my soul the rest it has been longing for. 

this afternoon, i spent several hours at the lake with the creator of the universe. i have no idea why he desires to meet me, but i am filled with gratitude that he does, especially on this particular occasion. it was not as though i came upon world-changing inspiration and realizations, but i was reassured of my purpose as his creation, and i was able to just be with Jesus. i went from feeling so very small in the whole scheme of time and life to feeling so vital and important to his heart - both of which are accurate, i believe.

i did get the chance to think on some new things and expand on some thinking that hadn’t gotten to completely play itself out yet.  as i lay on a picnic table beneath the canopy of a tree, the sun’s rays in my left peripheral, and the water of the lake on my right, i felt joined with creation more closely than i have felt in a long while.  i could see nothing man-made…. unless i looked a little too far and saw the fence on my right and that parking lot on my left. irrelevant. that sounds new-agey and possibly tree-huggery, but…not quite where i’m going. my thoughts were more like this.

everything under the sun is futile. everything strives and competes to no avail. everything is in survival mode, and this is how it is to be.

the planet earth videos and my mom’s wonderfully inquisitive brain actually initiated this subject in my own mind. all creation has been subjected to futility, all resulting from the fall and sin of man.  since that moment, all creation has been longing for the return of the savior, when it will find the completion for which it was intended on the day of creation.  it must groan, shift, compete, adapt, and even kill to survive — all in futility. the tree bursts out of its seed, emerges out of the ground, grows heavenward, reaching branches and growing leaves all the while…all an act of worship, and only to eventually whither and die. animals must hunt and kill, sometimes even members of their own kind. the earth shakes. the sky brews violently, forming hurricanes. the oceans heave. as humans, we must face undesirable, less-than-utopia, sometimes heart and soul-wrenching struggles. it’s everywhere. my mom found confirmation in these words from romans chapter 8.

‘…the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. for the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to decay and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God.
for we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. and not only the creation, but we ourselves…groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies.”

i felt it as i followed my hankering to swing on a nearby playground. each time i swung ‘forth’ in my back and forth motion, i longed to just keep on going up. up, up, and up until i could just fly away and embrace the warmth of the sun and touch the fluffiness of the clouds. up and up until i could see look my Jesus literally in the face and fall into him. i longed for it. but each time, gravity pulled me back down, only to try once more on the next time up. it was futile. no matter how much i longed, my desire was left unsatisfied.  i felt so near to Jesus, yet unable to fully grasp him where he was.

this could be taken as a fairly negative post, but don’t worry. it got much better.  i returned to my reclining position on the cool surface of the picnic table, and i cranked up the ol’ ipod. i began to listen to the song ‘i miss you’ by shane&shane. i was close to changing it, because i didn’t feel that to be where i was, as i was feeling the nearness of Christ in that moment.  i stopped, though, as i realized something.

i do miss him. i will forever miss him until i can completely, literally, physically be where he is.

the deepest part of my soul knows its true dwelling place, and it will miss that perfection until it is here in full….either in my death or in Christ’s returning.  until then, i can swing as high and as hard as i can upward, feeling the warmth and nearness of Christ on my face, but my humanity will inevitably send me back down, left to deeply miss him once again.

okay, still might sound negative. but, i didn’t leave feeling that way. i left feeling so grateful that i have such a beautiful savior to miss. and this feeling of absence is one thing that is not futile. if it provokes me to pursue the eternal and the worthwhile - then i am content to miss him. not a contentment that brings complacency, but one that drives me to be the nearest i can attain in this mortal body. i am content to struggle, because struggle produces endurance, endurance produces character, and character produces hope - and hope will not put us to shame. (rom. 5) i know that my missing will one day be extinguished completely, as my soul knows it will one day return to its home.

so, there was my day. i was quite lost in thought for awhile. who knows when that man in the red truck drove up, and who knows what he was thinking as i was singing “amazing grace, my chains are gone” at the top of my lungs (in my less-than-beautiful singing voice) with my hands reaching toward the branches of a tree..lying on a picnic table? probably a strange sight. i am alright with that.

apple pie.

okay, i have decided that what i want to be is an apple pie fume.

fume is possibly not the best word for the scent of an apple pie. and apple pie is not my personal favorite, but it has classic imagery attached, so go with me on this one.

picture this scene you may have seen in an illustrated book somewhere, beginning with a quaint, country kitchen on a pleasant summer evening. the low rays of the evening sun are seeping in through the single window over the sink and illuminating the dust floating in the air in its beam. a tire swing and playing children are visible through the window. a warm apple pie sits in the windowsill with lines of heat and sweet aroma floating above it. the “fumes” make their way through the open window and reach the noses of the children playing outside, enticing them into the house to partake of the pie’s crispy deliciousness.

that’s who i want to be for my savior. i want to quietly but strongly entice people to partake of his goodness by putting out an aroma directly from the source. the scent itself exists only because of the pie and for the purpose of alerting the senses of the pie’s existence. who wants to try a pie if it has a not-so-pleasant scent? if i claim to know jesus, my life should say something about him and draw others to desiring him as well.

it sounds silly, maybe, to compare the lord to a pie and myself to a swirly line rising from it - but for me, it paints a picture of who i am aiming to be…so, it works.

so, i was thinking on my status as an aroma drawing others to my creator, and realizing that currently, i am doing a pretty poor job of it. i seriously forget that i am not the apple pie! okay, seriously - enough of that analogy.

feeling pretty discouraged at my inadequacy, my jesus brought his perfect comfort and encouragement as he never fails to do. an e-mail from a friend led me to read psalm 46 today, and the second half of verse 10 was the part that spoke to my heart today:

“i will be exalted among the nations,
i will be exalted in the earth!”

it doesn’t say he’ll be exalted IF i do a good enough job of portraying to the world his goodness. that’s giving myself way too much credit. there are zero stipulations and no question as to whether or not he will be exalted. he WILL be exalted. amen! amen that it has absolutely nothing to do with my fickle, flighty self. amen that he even allows so unworthy a candidate a chance to emit his sweet, sweet aroma.

amen that when we fail to to express his goodness to the world, nature takes up the slack and sings the only song it knows. amen that the wind can whisper the lord’s goodness to a buddhist monk. amen that the ridiculous colors of sunset can take away the breath of a new york businessman and bring him to his knees - crying out to his creator for something more.

he is so big. i can’t believe how small i make him every single day of my life.

just a sweet reminder to my heart today.